chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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