He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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