Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
