I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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