im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
