I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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