Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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