ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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