Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
