So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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