You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why is there bacon in the couch?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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