Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
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I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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