So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
