Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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