you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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