I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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