Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I touched a dick in church today
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
