My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Can Purell be used as lube?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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