I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
