i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
