Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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