Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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