I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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