i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
