Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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