i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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