I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
