i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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