He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
