So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
