I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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