I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
