I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
