It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
