I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
