That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
