I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
