Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I understand Curling. That high.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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