Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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