when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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