I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just pee around me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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