It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
