Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
