There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
