Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
