U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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