Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
