I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
