My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
