HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
