I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
