Someone shit on the floor
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
