I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
