you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
