the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
